The Limited Guarantee of Abstinence

It only takes one heartbroken night of tears for the average woman to make a personal vow that she will never allow another man to hurt her like this. A lot of times that personal vow includes the vow to not have sex with another man until marriage. It is a common belief that abstinence is the weapon that will win the war and get you the healthy relationship of your dreams because it effectively protects you from getting involved with the wrong men. A few of my friends shared this same belief, so they adopted being abstinent for a few months and then dropped it the moment they realized it wasn’t the “quicker picker upper” for their love life that they assumed it was. I couldn’t judge them because I was a victim to that same “Bounty” belief that abstinence fixed everything too, until I reflected on a particular relationship of my past.

In the past, I thought I was in love with this man whom I had begun getting to know on a deeper level. His favorite outfit was an orange jumpsuit, he had a very close relationship with Mary Jane but had no relation to Rick James, and when he used the word “baby”, there was a chance he wasn’t referring to me. In other words, he had a criminal record, sold drugs, and had a baby on the way. Although, he clearly wasn’t a good choice in the first place, I still continued to see him. I just told him that I wasn’t willing to have sex and he supported my decision. Since I took away the option of us conversing with our bodies, it forced both of us to speak and listen with only our hearts. Instead of making out in the dorm room, he would pour out his heart and tell me how he wanted to stop selling drugs but feared not being able to take care of his family. Instead of cuddling, he would lay by my side and listen to the historical formation of my trust issues with males and my sincere desire to pursue my dreams of writing. The absence of physical bonding left an abundant presence for the opportunity to emotionally bond. Although the emotional bond was great, that situation ended in one of the hardest heartbreaks I’ve faced. I was extremely hurt and it was frustrating because I could not understand how I took sex off of the table and still ended up in the same position as before.

It was because removing sex only fixed one aspect of my relationship patterns. It did not fix the fact that I continued to involve myself with men who were broken to fulfill the desire in me to always feel needed. It did not fix the fact that I was a shallow chooser of men because I sought the external approval of others about my relationship decisions. It did not fix the fact that I subconsciously chose men that were hard to love.

Being abstinent in the wrong relationship will pull you further away from your goal of a healthy relationship than you originally were. This is not a time to continue being reckless with your dating patterns just because you think that not having sex will make every man take you seriously and treat you right. Also, some of us continue being reckless in choosing men while abstaining from sex, because we believe our heart won’t get emotionally attached since there is no sex involved. Although that is true in some cases, most women are primarily emotional and we can get attached easier through our hearts than we can through the bedroom boom. That is why this is the time to be even more careful with your decisions. I chose to recklessly be involved with the “Mary-Jane-Selling-Orange-Jumpsuit-Wearing-Baby-Daddy” because I didn’t change my dating patterns. I neglected to spend time reflecting on how the patterns in men were formed, so all I did was set myself up for even more failure because I was doing a new action in an old mindset. I had this mindset that I wanted to wait to give my body, but yet I was willing to be reckless with my heart.

Every girl wants a good and healthy relationship and sometimes we’ll choose a certain path because we have been told that going a route like abstaining from sex is guaranteed to get us exactly what we want…a good man, love, and happiness. Just like every other guarantee it comes with terms and conditions in small print at the very bottom that lets you know that it is not enough to just be abstinent.

Terms & Conditions: If you agree to analyze your dating patterns, heal the wounds of your heart, and seek God in all of your ways,along with abstaining from sex then the guarantee is more likely to be revealed in your love life.

Signed, Sealed, and Delivered
B. Janai

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