Need-Based Relationships & Lessons Learned

Most women are guilty of subconsciously choosing men that ‘need’ them more than they ‘want’ them…myself included. We’ll choose a man that needs emotional support during a rough period in his life. We’ll choose a man that needs financial support after he lost his job. It can be anything! We’ll choose a man that needs something that we can provide to them because it gives us a sense of security in that relationship. We feel secure in the fact that he has to stay with us because he has to have his needs met…but there is a catch.

I’ve learned this lesson the hard way. Years ago, when I was much younger and naïve, I had met this guy who was going through a very rough period in his life. His mother was diagnosed with cancer, he was financially struggling after losing his job, and then he was also diagnosed with a health issue. He needed me. I was there for him. I would buy him groceries, I would take care of him when he needed me, I redid his resume, I would help him apply for jobs, I would take him on interviews…I even paid his apartment deposit (stupid…I know). Our relationship was purely need-based! One day, his mother was healed from cancer, he got one of the jobs I helped him apply for, and his health issue went away. Guess what happened next? He left me for a woman that didn’t give him half of what I gave him. Back then I was confused! How could he leave me for a woman that gave him breadcrumbs compared to the big loaf of bread I brought to the table?

Here’s the lesson that I’ve had to learn the hard way. Needs diminish once they are fulfilled. He needed me for emotional, physical, and financial support. I fulfilled his needs by giving him that…and more. Now that I fulfilled those needs and he was back on his feet, everything I used to give him was now considered useless. He no longer needs everything that our relationship was based on. That is the part of the story nobody thinks about. When you base a relationship on ‘needs,’ the relationship loses its purpose once those needs diminish or change. When you get with a man that only ‘needs’ you, he will leave you once he doesn’t ‘need’ those needs and get with the woman that he ‘wants.’

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